Look Who's Stalking
by sesheta255
Summary: Random Stupidity - Joker tries to teach Kaidan more about women


More random stupidity. Thanks to Star and Shenzi who helped me when I got stuck.

And as usual Bioware owns all, including Kaidan's ass but fortunately they are willing to share.

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**Look Who's Stalking**

Kaidan walked onto the bridge and gave a huge sigh as he sat down next to Joker.

Joker turned to look at him, one eyebrow raised. "I'm guessing you have woman problems. You really need to get a grip. This Shepard thing you have going has you in such a spin that you don't know which way is up, although I'm betting that Shepard can probably help you with that if you ever manage to get together with her."

"I will _never_ understand women, especially not Shepard," Kaidan lamented, totally ignoring Joker's innuendo.

"_No one_ will ever understand them," Joker replied, nodding sagely. "Hell, I don't think they understand _themselves_ half the time."

Kaidan snorted. "Yeah you may have a point, even if it's not original. But I thought you were an expert on women, at least that's what you're always telling me."

"I'm an expert because I know better than to get involved with one, especially one like Shepard given that she can probably kick your ass anytime she wants."

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "Thanks for that reminder, Joker. You're not helping."

"Well on the plus side, she seems to like your ass so she'll probably just stick to kicking other parts of you." He chuckled at Kaidan's warning look and passed him a snack from his stash, "Make yourself comfortable and I'll tell you a tale of woe."

"Oh please. _You_ have a tale of woe? Let me guess, it's all about a Lieutenant that falls for his commanding officer." Kaidan started to rise.

"Wait, this has nothing to do with Shepard and you, but I can always go that way if you want me to. Sit down. This tale of woe has a happy ending. For me anyway."

"Fine, regale me with this tale." He settled back into his seat again.

Joker dimmed the lights on the bridge and laughed as Kaidan looked at him. "What? I've got to set the right atmosphere, Alenko."

Kaidan opened the bag of food that Joker had passed him. "Just get on with it. You're telling a story, not having a candlelit dinner."

"It was a dark and stormy night…"

Kaidan swore under his breath. "Joker, can you be serious for five minutes? _Please._"

"I think this story will take more than five minutes." Joker thought Kaidan looked like he might be about to lose some of his legendary self control and held up his hands. "Okay, Okay. You really need to get a sense of humour Alenko, especially with Shepard. You're way too serious sometimes."

"It happened during pilot training. I wasn't the witty, fun guy back then that I am now. I was very serious. I had to be to make the grade. I had to do be twice as good as everyone else." He paused as he allowed the memories to surface. "You know if I wasn't such an awesome pilot I would wonder why the Alliance accepted me at the time, given my limitations. Maybe they got sick of me pestering them, or maybe my mother pulled a few brassy strings, if you know what I mean."

"Or maybe they figured that with your arrogance you were already three quarters the way to being good pilot material." Kaidan shook his head. "And I doubt your mother would be thrilled to hear you suggest that."

"Hey I tell her that all the time. As well as remind her that I have the best job in the galaxy. What other job would let me sit on my ass, make wise cracks and fly this baby?"

"Not to mention being chased by Geth, mercs, rogue Spectres, and Reapers." Kaidan added.

"You really are a glass half empty kind of guy aren't you?" Joker shook his head in disgust. "But anyway, to continue the story. I used to keep to myself back in those days. I wasn't the people person that everyone loves and comes to for advice like I am now." He grinned as Kaidan rolled his eyes. "No one wanted to hang out with a disabled guy and it didn't worry me because I didn't want anything to take my focus away from training. One day I'd just sat down in the mess when a couple of girls asked if they could sit with me. I was mostly trying to eat and ignore them but they really started freaking me out. One kept looking at me from under her lashes, and then they'd nudge each other and giggle." He stopped and turned to Kaidan. "What the hell is it with girls and giggling? Thank heavens Shepard at least tires to keep her giggling to a minimum; I wouldn't have half as much respect for her if she didn't."

After taking a sip of coffee, he continued, "I figured they were either doing it on a dare, or it was some game to annoy the disabled guy. I pretty much ate my lunch at record pace and got the hell out of there. The speed at which I ate would have put both you and Shepard to shame by the way."

"Are you telling this story or do I go back to my terminal?" Kaidan asked irritably, wondering why he'd come to Joker of all people_. I must be going crazy. Maybe I should get the Doc to do some tests to see if my L2 implants have finally driven me over the edge._

Joker chuckled and shifted in his seat. "You would probably make more headway with Shepard if you got all manly and forceful like that with her, but it doesn't work on me, you know." _I need a challenge; Alenko is just way too easy. _"This went on for months. Every time I turned around there she was, giggling at me. But it really started to get creepy when she started to 'accidently on purpose' touch my hand every chance she got, then start blushing. I began to try and change my habits so that I wouldn't run into her in the mess. Not that it did any good. It didn't matter what time I hit the mess, she would appear with her giggling sidekick, and unfortunately I couldn't avoid her on the way to and from classes, and training sessions.

He took another sip of his drink and scratched his head, "It was getting close to graduation when one of our instructors gave my stalker and her group the perfect opportunity to corner me. The same instructor that gave me the nickname Joker, by the way. Sarcastic bitch. Another reason to dislike her.

Kaidan shook his head but refrained from commenting. Joker calling someone sarcastic was definitely a case of the pot calling the kettle sooty assed. Kaidan grinned to himself as Joker started speaking again.

"She said that as a pilot needs to have good communication skills to work with the rest of the crew and that part of our assessment would be on how we interacted with people, so she suggested we all go out and socialise. My stalker probably cooked it up with her, she always _was_ the class pet. And all the instructors disliked me because I was better than them, so they'd enjoy putting me on the spot."

"Anyway, we were supposed to go a bar after class and have some fun. I was determined not to go but got dragged there kicking and screaming anyway. Huh, I should have kicked a bit harder; broken bones would have got me out of it. Instead I had to look forward to being pawed at all night, like some damned pet hamster."

Kaidan laughed. "You're telling me that you, Joker, did not enjoy the attentions of a woman who wanted to stroke you? I just can't imagine it."

"Hey I'm all for stroking when it doesn't include giggling and fluttering eyelashes. And, like I told you I wasn't the same fun guy I am now, back then. I was more stuffy and boring - like you are." He laughed out loud, then sighed melodramatically.

"It didn't take me long to realise what the plan was. I was cornered in a booth with giggling Gerty as I called her. I sure as hell didn't know her name, or want to. Pretty soon everyone mysteriously disappeared and we were the only two left. Then she said I would have to share a cab with her and walk her to her barracks. I was on crutches for god's sake. When we got out of the cab she was clutching on to me so hard I thought I'd grown an extra limb. The only good thing about that was that if I slipped she'd go with over with me and provide something a bit softer than the pavement to land on. It might have meant one or two less broken bones. I finally managed to distract her and free myself. I don't think I've ever moved so fast before or since, but it was worth the possibility of a few broken bones to get away from her."

"The next day I had to put up with a lot of questions in the mess about why I didn't make my move. She was obviously hot for me. So of course all her friends decided I was gay, for fucks sake, when the truth of the matter was I just wasn't interested in her in that way. It was at that point that I decided to stick to the extranet. At least you know where you stand with that. As long as you have a valid credit card anyway."

"You know that could explain a few things. You do seem to have an unnatural preoccupation with my ass. Maybe it's time you finally came out of the closet." Kaidan said with a straight face.

"Oh very funny. I'm tearing up I'm laughing so hard. Look, _I'm_ not the one with woman trouble. You should have just stuck to those asari fetish sites you seemed to like. And while I'm frequently told by just about every female on this ship, and a few males as well that you do have a nice ass and all, I'm going to have to disappoint you. You just aren't my type, Alenko."

Kaidan deliberately ignored Joker's further comments on his ass. He'd taken the bait enough tonight. "Sites that you showed me, no doubt hoping that you would be able to find some way to embarrass me with them. But _I'm_ not the one who was all set to go for it with a shemale stripper."

"Do you really think that I don't have my own blackmail ammunition? Just remember, if you want to be a smartass I have much more practice at it than you. I also see and hear everything."

"Even if that's true Joker, you wouldn't be game enough to post them. Shepard would not only kill you but make you suffer for a long, long time before she did. As you already pointed out, Shepard is capable of kicking my ass, which means she'll have no trouble kicking yours."

"Haven't you worked out yet that Shepard finds me indispensible, as well as irresistible? I mean why would she let me get away with so much otherwise? I'm your main competition for her affections."

"Only in your dreams, Joker. Was there an actual point to this story, or can I go now that you've been absolutely no help whatsoever?"

"Weren't you even listening? I told you women are trouble, especially women like Shepard. You should have stuck to the extranet. Your credit card still takes a beating but at least you're the one wearing the pants. Plus you're watching her all the time. Stalkers are definitely not a turn on. You need to relax. Hell, she already likes you as much as you like her if the way she drools over your ass is any indication."

"Hang on, isn't it you who keeps scheming to get us together all the time?" Kaidan said with a shake of his head.

"I need something to amuse myself with, and watching you and Shepard dance around each other is the best fun I can have outside of the extranet. And in public." He put a handful of nuts into his mouth.

"And I'm hardly stalking her." Kaidan said defensively

"Oh yeah , taking Chakwas to dinner so you could spy on Shepard with that Girard character wasn't anything like stalking."

"I was looking out for her. We know nothing about him. Besides Shepard didn't see us so she'll never know."

Joker face palmed. "I keep telling everyone how dense you are and you just keep proving it to me. Do you really think Shepard wouldn't have noticed you? Do you know the woman _at all?_"

"Shit! Well, maybe she just thought I was having a nice dinner with Dr. Chakwas, you know to thank her for looking after me when I have a migraine," he said, standing to leave.

"Or get shot in the ass" Joker muttered as he shook his head and gave Kaidan a look that needed no more words.


End file.
